Greatest Story Ever Told…
Yesterday I had an encounter that will either ruin me forever, or turn me into the most incredible person to ever walk his rock we call Earth (even though I am already neck and neck with Michael Jordan on this). Either way this story is already the stuff of legends (literally its like Christopher Nolan and M. Night Shamalyan (sp? He’s no longer relevant enough for me to bother taking the 30 seconds necessary to look his name up) got together and wrote the screenplay of the millennium) . Unfortunately I haven’t begun writing it for two reasons: 1) I don’t want to rush into it and not do it the justice that it deserves, 2) I am still trying to wrap my mind around the events that transpired and what led me to that disturbing beekeeper’s lair in central Tucson. If your interest is not piqued yet then you must be dead. I am writing this to let you all know to be expecting this post soon (hopefully within the week), and that you will not be disappointed. Until then reread some of my older posts and pass the word along. Also follow me @fermon22 for further updates.
What women and men really mean…
So as everyone already knows, relationships (and by extension marriages) are bullshit. They are just a giant game where the rules always change, and no one every really wins because lets face it, is staring at the same persons mug everyday for the rest of your natural born life on Earth, and then possibly for eternity in hell (since, if you read my blog, you are probably one socially and morally reprehensible person and are going to burn forever) really winning? I say it isn’t. But say you, for some unknown reason, have failed to heed my words and find yourself trapped in one of these abominations and are just waiting for the sweet release of death? “What then should I do now?” is what you are probably screaming at your computer screen. Well first I say start doing meth. It’s cheap and easy to make (which will offer you a great hobby to occupy yourself with so you can avoid your spouse) and when you are high you will even possibly forget about your spouse entirely! It’s a win-win! but for those of you already on meth, or too poor for meth (yeah, I guess there are actually people TOO poor for meth! I didn’t believe it either! What ass fucks right?! I mean THIS son of a bitch can afford meth:
but they can’t! hahahahaa just give up on life now!), I have a little bit of help to offer to make it a little more bearable and it comes in the form of a very simple translation chart for things women and men say and what they actually mean.
Things Women Say and What They Actually Mean
Things Men Say and What They Actually Mean
People I Hate Monday! (The Eleventh Edition)
Girls who think they are entitled to alcohol - “Hey, I’m here. I’m hot. You’re welcome. Now give me alcohol!!!!” Why is this acceptable? You are just using people. I hope someone roofies you and end up in Russia in the sex slave trade one day. And your dad’s definitely not gonna come pull some Liam Neeson “Taken” shit and save you, because you probably don’t even know who your dad is which is why you project your hatred onto all other men you encounter.
Michael Cera - Ok, we get it. You are a giant vagina, but you don’t have to sound like your gonna cry ALL THE FUCKIN TIME! Show some range for once!
Yamakas - How the hell do you stay on? I mean seriously. Glue? Thumbtacks? Black Jew magic (just to clarify, this is black magic done by a Jewish person, not regular magic done by a black Jew)? Because I kinda feel like you just defy gravity. You refuse to obey it. Which is basically a giant middle finger to God since he created it. First you go and kill his only begotten son, and now this? Ya’ll are playin with fire. Maybe the Holocaust WAS just payback….too soon? (If any Jews read this, I don’t hate you so don’t screw me over when you are my account in like 20 years. I’m gonna be filthy rich and maybe I’ll cut you off a slice of that Matzah if ya know what I’m sayin)
Furries - Ew. I mean, havin sex with animals is cool and all, but make sure its in the proper environment: either a barn in Arkansas while everyone else is asleep, or a small stage in Tijuana where a group of over eager frat boys pay 5 pesos to watch. Not in some middle class home in the suburbs! And you aren’t even havin sex with real animals, just other people in animal costumes! Wtf? If you wanna fuck an animal, nut up, trap a wild raccoon or skunk, and fuck it (make sure it’s consensual tho. Rape still applies)! Don’t half ass it.
Jelly Belly’s - Now, it’s not the actual Jelly Belly’s that I hate (I love the lil bitches. As soon as people can marry candy, I’ll wife em up), it’s the fact that every time I eat them I have to check the flavor guide about 6 times before I can eat each one so I don’t eat one I hate. It’s like walking across a mine field of sugary treats. Any second, a shitty one is gonna explode in my mouth and I’ll have to sit there in agony as I try to swallow it whole and inevitably choke on it. It’s bullshit. I’m sure you’re saying, “Hey, if you don’t want to worry about that, just take the extra time, look each one up, and then eat it. It’s not that big of a deal.” Oh really? Look at Mr. “I’ve got all the fuckin answers over here cuz I went to DeVry so now I have critical thinking skills” over here. Well sir, It’s not that goddamn easy. You know why? Cuz every shitty flavor looks exactly like another flavor I love. Cotton Candy? Delicious. Bubble Gum? I’d rather drink Snooki’s bath water. Both are pink. Granted one is off pink (whatever the fuck that means) but it’s close enough to give me a panic attack every time I pick one up. Here’s an idea you flavor nazis over at the JB, instead of using that edible ink to print the worthless Jelly Belly logo on your little candy, print the goddamn flavors! Also you’ll be doin the world favor cuz you can get rid of those paper flavor guides that you have in each package and maybe we can save a tree or two. Dicks…
Sidenote: More proof that the people at Jelly Belly are more evil than Satan’s asshole, they now have an assortment called Beanboozled, where each color has two flavors. A good one and a disgusting one, and you can’t tell the difference til you bite into them. Some of the flavor pairings are peach/barf, coconut/baby wipes (white), caramel corn/moldy peach. In the reviews for these instruments of torture, assholes say things like, “Bought these for a party and it was great to watch my unknowing guests writhe on the floor in agony and projectile vomit all over themselves after eating a barf flavored one. It was like poetry in motion!” and “Loved watching the family sit around eating these and cheer each other on hoping they would eat the shit flavored one” Sadistic assholes, or more proof that the world is going to hell in a booger flavored hand basket.
Someone who’s “friends” must have just slipped him a moldy cheese flavored bean
Rejected “That awkward moment when…”s
So nowadays there appears to be another gay saying that people everywhere are adopting (or maybe its just people in Tucson. Idk, either way it sucks), and its the phrase “That awkward moment when…” followed by something that happened that created an embarrassingly awkward situation. A few examples are “That awkward moment when you talk shit about someone and they are right behind you” or “That awkward moment when you trip on the stairs and the girl you like is standing right there.” Anyway people generally say it to you after you’ve done something that you’re clearly embarrassed by, and they want to really be a douche and drive the point home that you are so socially inept that you should probably just go kill yourself. So being the forward thinker that I am, I’ve compiled a list of rejected “That awkward moment when”s and presented them here. (Actually some of them would be suitable to use, but I’d already written the title of this article and didn’t feel like changing it, so fuckin deal with it)
That awkward moment when you tell someone a YouTube video is hilarious, show it to them, and they don’t laugh.
That awkward moment when you fart in the shower and totally forget that you have diarrhea.
That awkward moment when you cut someone off in traffic, they honk, you flip them off thinking you’ll never see them again, and you get stopped next to them at the next light.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend tells you she’s pregnant, then your girl on the side walks in and tells you she’s pregnant.
That awkward moment when you tell a joke, no one hears it, and then 3 seconds later someone tells the same joke and every cracks up.
That awkward moment when you get caught masturbating by your mom
That awkward moment when you come out of the closet and every says, “We’ve known for years”
That awkward moment when you find out your parents are into S&M
That awkward moment when you find out the chick who’s been eying you from across the bar all night is a guy
That awkward moment when your boob falls out…and every one screams in disgust
That awkward moment when you get caught masturbating…to Twilight
That awkward moment when you write a Tumblr post and nobody “likes” it.
That awkward moment when you get to the bottom of this article, thinking the last one is gonna be the best, and its just this…what a disappointment!
People I Hate Monday! (The Vegas Edition)
Imagine if Dante’s Second Circle of Hell, Sodom, and Gomorrah were involved in a raucous threesome that produced a terrible love child, then when that child was of age it was raped to death, reincarnated, and raped to death again by Charles Manson, Caligula, and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, then, nine months after that, a little, evil, horny, douche bag baby was born from the rotting zombie corpse. This baby would be named Las Vegas.
Unfortunately, I had the “pleasure” of visiting this god awful fuckfest this weekend and the only way that I could describe my feelings toward it is by saying that if Vegas were a human being, I would fuck it….and then kill it because I know the sex would be some of the most aggressive freaky, hate fueled sex that the world had ever seen. I’m talking about “I want you to choke me until I can’t feel my pulse in my eyeballs!!!” kinda freaky sex. Sex so dirty that even Howard Stern would say it was too far. But afterwards, you would only be filled with so much self-disgust and hatred for the crazy bitch that you’d have to kill her. Yeaaaaaah, that’s Vegas in a nutshell.
Of course with this much anger pent up against one place, I had to dedicate an entire post to it so here it is.
Girls in Vegas - After this weekend I realize that girls in Vegas only say two things, “OMG, I LOOOOOOOVE being a girl!” and “I met SOOOOOO many nice guys last night. There were no assholes at all!” They usually say these things right after some retard buys them a drink, or let’s them into his VIP booth, or does some other stupid favor in hopes that in return she will let him place his tiny withered wiener into her battered used-up vagina.
The quote’s, in essence, hold basically the same meaning, but they are said by two completely different types of girls. The girls who say, ”OMG, I LOOOOOOOVE being a girl!” are almost always bitches. They usually have some sort of underlying daddy issues. They are selfish and manipulative. They’ve had so many trains run through them, that everyone just calls them “Grand Central Station”. They need their self worth to be reassured by the men around them constantly (ie if men aren’t always doing them favors to get in their pants then they feel worthless and spiral into a bitchy depression where they try and ruin everyone who is having fun’s night), and they feel like they are entitled to free alcohol. You can usually find them dancing alone or with their smug bitchy girlfriends up on a podium or some other girls-only area of the club, until they need a drink, which is when they go find some weak minded bastard to take advantage of. I hate these girls most of all.
The second type of girls are the, ”I met SOOOOOO many nice guys last night. There were no assholes at all!” These girls are completely naive. They claim to know that all guys want is sex, but for some reason they assume that the guys who just let them sit in their VIP booth, and are pouring the drink after drink, are “really nice” and actually give a shit about who they are and aren’t just putting up with them long enough for them to black out and become too drunk to resist the impending rape. hooking up with these girls is like shooting fish in a barrel, but the barrel is filled with gasoline and you are shooting them with a flame thrower.
Rules - Holy fucking shit! There are so many goddamn rules in Vegas! Sorry, let me rephrase that. There are so many rules for GUYS in Vegas. Girls can get away with murder, while guys are treated like they are in prison for murdering someone. At one point I almost asked a bouncer if I was allowed to even breathe. If you are a guy, you basically can’t do pretty much anything except stand there and look stupidly at the girls who are all dancing in their areas where guys aren’t allowed to go unless they’ve shelled out a couple G’s. which brings me to the next thing I hate.
Seating - How the fuck am I not allowed to sit down for less than 5 grand!? Seriously, make some free seating and I will sit there! Shit, even make it like 20 bucks a chair and I will pay. You can even put a sign over the seating that says “Ladies, we are all cheap assholes!” I don’t even care. Sometimes a nigga just needs to get his sit on!
Drinks - $12 for a goddamn drink that cost you 12 cents to make?! Does that drink come with a blow job? Cuz you can suck my damn dick!
Random ass hot girls in the clubs who are just their to tease guys - How am I supposed to have a good time while theres basically a softcore, fetish porn going on in every corner of the club? These bitches are just there in thongs and like pasties, whipping each other and doing the splits while they are hanging from the ceiling…and they are getting paid to do this! First off, great, I do enjoy watching this..when I’m sober! When I’m drunk, I’m just pissed cuz I know they are there just to tease my ass. I feel like an Ethiopian whose forced to watch a cheeseburger dance around on grill, while a giant bouncer stands between us and mean mugs the shit outta me.
The people who wait on you in the bathroom - Don’t give me a back massage while I’m trying to wash my hands, or roll lint off me, or offer me 7 different types of cologne. If I wanted those things I would ask you! And then when your done don’t mean mug me cuz I didn’t tip you. Mother fucker, I’m not gonna tip you for harassing me! You’re lucky I don’t steal your tip jar!
If clubs want to make the bathroom a more hospitable place, don’t put guys in there! Put some more scantily clad women (like you have in every other inch of your casino) and have them give me a good ole handy while I’m doin my business. I will tip the shit outta her!
House Music - Alright, we get it, Tiesto is sick to dance to at the club, but I don’t need to be bombarded by house music every where I go. Maybe I want to sit down and enjoy some sushi without having DJ FauxhawkFullArmSleeve blast Steve Aoki into my skull at 9000 decibels!
The names of the clubs - Krave, Nirvana, Jet, Premier, Liquid, Shrine, Naked, Haze, Caress, Liit, Caramel, Blush. Can you tell which of these are actually clubs in Vegas and which are just random actions or inatimate object that have been mispelled in a hip modern way? Pretty sure that there is no one who could pick them all correctly, and if you can then you are probably a dbag. Answer: Krave, Jet, Liquid, Naked, Haze, Caramel, and Blush are all real clubs
10 Ways to Tell If You’re a D-bag on Facebook
1- Your wall feed always reads: D-Bag A. just became friends with 45 people (all of which are girls), and then you write all of them with “Heeeeeeey!” or “:D”
2 - You’re only Check-In’s on Places are tanning salons, and the gym. You use Places.
3 - You have more Pics with your shirt off, than you do with your shirt one.
4 - Your quotes consist of little gems of wisdom from Tucker Max, Mike “The Situation”, and Charlie Sheen…Winning!
5 - You still work the “Peace sign/Duck face” move into as many pics as humanly possible
Even this girl has no idea what the fuck he’s doing.
6- Your profile says your occupation is “Entrepreneur” (read: No one will hire me so I’m going to start my own T-Shirt company called something like “Grenade Clothing” or “Hard Work & Hustle Ltd.”)
7 -No matter how happy everyone is around you, you never smile in your pictures. You look like you’re taking a mugshot and someone told you that your dog and your grandma were both killed in a hit and run.
“They cancelled Entourage?! WTF! Quick take a picture of me while I still look angry!’
8 - Every other status update must include the words “RAAAAGE” with no less than 4 A’s, or “Chillaxin”
9 - You don’t realize that bathroom-mirror pics died with MySpace.
“Maybe if we cram into a bathroom, get half naked, and take a pic of ourselves for facebook, everyone will stop thinking we are gay!”
10 - Your profile pictures always consist of you, and no less than two girls.
D-bag: “Yeah I banged both of these girls. What of it?!” Girls: “Uhhhh, no he didn’t”
Things I Hate Monday! (Ten Let’s Do It Again)
People who act like owning a Kindle makes them better than you - I’d be surprised if people who own Kindles actually end up ever reading anything because they are always busy telling us regular ass book readers about how AMAZING their Kindle is. “OMG! It totally looks like your reading a real book! It’s so much better than the iPad” Really? can you watch porn on a Kindle!? Didn’t think so. “Kindle readers save like a billion trees a year buy not buying paper books!” Too bad all that fresh air that those saved trees are providing is being used to by a yuppie douche like you. I’d rather have less fresh air and have to start killing off people (starting with you) in order for the human race to survive. Next time someone tells me how awesome their gay little Kindle is, I’m going to ask if it’s car proof (cuz books are), and skip it into the nearest street like a stone across a lake.
People who tell me stories, to end it with “OMG it was so much fun! Where were you?!” - One of the reasons I hate this, (yes plural. There are multiple) is that the story is about something awesome that happened to them that I wasn’t there for which means its not about me at all, and I hate everything that doesn’t involve me… especially fun things. The second reason I hate this is because inevitably I have to answer something along the lines of, “Oh…I was just at home cuz no one invited me.” Now I’m not only pissed cuz I had to listen to a story that I didn’t care about cuz it doesn’t involve me, but now I feel like shit cuz I wasn’t important enough for them to invite to dinner at Denny’s or whatever lame thing they were doing.
Bosses who try to tell me what to do - Fuck you! You’re not my mom!
Memphis, Tennessee - Yes, everyone loves an upset (I’m talking to you Grizzlies), but you know what people don’t like? Watching teams with no superstars play in the playoffs! You think anyone wants to see Marc Gasol and OJ Mayo take on Lebron or Derrick Rose? Hell No! If you’re a boring team, throw some games if you gotta and get outta the playoffs as soon as possible! Now because you’ve given a blatant middle-finger to the basketball gods and fans, you get floods. Hope you enjoy goin back and filing claim after claim for water damage when you lose in the second round. Assholes….
Things I Hate Monday! (The VD Edition)*
*Valentines day not venereal disease. That’s a whole other article in itself.
Well once again it’s that shitty holiday where all those miserable people in relationships get a free pass for PDA, and to shove how “happy” they our in their relationships everyone else’s throat. This is for you all you little dick boogers.
Cupid - Ok, how is it we can make a computer that fits into he palm of our hand, but we can’t find a better mascot for romance than a nude, half dragon/half baby archer? I mean he looks like something from the front of an Ed Hardy: The Pedophiles Wet Dream Collection t-shirt. I’m not even saying it has to be anything complicated. I’d be happy with a winged Natalie Portman in lingerie. And if your saying to yourself, “Jeff! That’s only sexy to men, what about ladies?!” then I’m officially saying right now that I will be the male mascot for V-day. I’m currently taking requests for the outfit that I will be wearing (or NOT wearing *wink*)..you’re welcome ladies.
Girls who say “I don’t need man! I’m love being single” all year, and then on V-Day complain that they have no one - I know women are famously indecisive, but c’mon! Make up your damn mind on what you want!
Guys who send their girls flowers, chocolate, balloons, and a stuffed animal at work - A) Congrats, you’re just as original as the other millions of d-bags who did the exact same thing for their significant other, and B) Now your girl’s gonna go around and show them to everyone and say how great their man is to them. Guess what? No one cares! No one wants ur lame story about ur candy and flowers shoved down their throat while they are trying to finish the expense report, that the boss asked for three days ago, before they have to go home alone and eat a bowl of soup made from their own tears, while watching Pretty Woman for the hundredth time.
Couples who thinks that just because it’s V-Day, they get a free pass to be extra nauseating in public - We get it already! It’s V-day and you’re “in love” so you can’t keep your hands off of each other, but hey maybe you forgot that there are other people in the world and none of us want to see you and your trying to tongue fuck each other in the waiting area of Olive Garden.
People I Hate Monday! (Nine’s so fine…like me)
People who wear over-sized headphones - First of all, you automatically look like a dollar store princess leia which is both annoying and unsettling. Second of all who do you think you are?! “Oh, couldn’t possibly be bothered by people in the outside world while I’m listening to my music, so I’m going to spend an entire paycheck on these headphones that sound exactly as good as their $20 counterparts.
People who say, “Don’t over prepare!” - WTF?! How can you OVER prepare? Thats like saying, “Don’t give me TOO long of a blowjob!” It’s not possible! I’ve never heard a single person ever say, “I woulda aced that test…if i had just stopped studying at midnight! Unfortunately, I studied til two and forgot everything I studied. Those extra two hours of studying ruined me!”
Girls who complain about being pregnant in their facebook statuses - Hey guess what? No one cares hat you have morning sickness. No one cares that your feet hurt all of the time. No one cares that your boyfriend/husband won’t go out at three in the goddamn morning to pick you up chili cheese frito’s and peanut butter for the 9th time because your having crazy cravings. There’s this stuff called birth control, maybe you shoulda used it. Oh, now your saying it’s too late for that cuz you’re already preggers? Well, get an abortion…or fall down some stairs. Or hey maybe just shut up cuz everyone knows pregnant girls get the most pampering in the world. For 40 weeks you live like a queen, sooo maybe post a status about how well everyone treats you.
When a girl changes her relationship status to “In a relationship” on facebook, the people who leave retarded comments - There’s actually multiple comments that piss me off.
1. “WHAAAAT?!” - How much more self explanatory could it be? She’s in a damn relationship now! End of story.
2. “Is he a good guy?” - Ummm, what he fuck do you expect her to say? “Naw his dude is a piece of shit! Worse than that guy who cheated on me. I just wanna date a real asshole so that when I meet a nice guy I can really appreciate him!”
3. “OMG! With who?! It better not be *insert ex-boyfriends name here* again!” - in this situation there’s three possibilities: A) She isn’t dating her ex, and he doesn’t end up seeing the bitchy comment her friend wrote. So everythings fine. B) She is’t dating her ex, but he sees the comment, and gets pissed which starts a whole bunch of comment war/ high school drama. C) She IS dating her ex, and now you look stupid cuz you just told her that you hate her boyfriend and now things are awkward. Greeaaat.
