The Greatest Thing You've EVER Read

Most everything I say is tongue-in-cheek, or sarcastic. So if your offended...well, then that kinda sucks. You need to loosen up

Failed Condom Brands and their Slogans

Sandpapers - For those who like it rough!

Strainers - Separates the sperm from the semen

Nut Huggers - Afraid of having your balls be unprotected, stuff em on in our special Testicle Pouch

Spartans - Fuck Trojans

Needle Points - Prick her with your prick

Breakaways - For a “dramatic” finish

Greenpiece - Reduce, Reuse, Recycle! Go Green!

Hard Ons - Solid condoms for those nights you have whiskey dick, but don’t want the bar skank you just brought home to think you can’t get it up.

Fingers - Just the cut off fingers from used latex gloves

Poo Pushers - Wanna do anal but don’t wanna hit it bareback cuz that’s where poop comes from? Get Poo Pushers!

Flintstone Gummies - Get your “rocks” off, then pop em in your mouth and get your daily dose of 25 vitamins

Trojan Bazookas - For those who can’t squeeze into a Magnum XL…yes, it’s just a trash bag

Saran Wrap Cling-Tights - You know you’ve joked about using Saran Wrap before, why not try it?

Linens - 69 thread count ;)

Double Ups - Premature ejaculator no more. Double the thickness, half the pleasure

Dissolvables - Tired of trying to find a place to throw used condoms away? Just dissolve these in water!

Roman Candles - Explode into a fireworks big finish at your “big finish”

Rusty Hangars - Take care of that pesky fetus without her even knowing!

Girl w/ a Black Eye

I’ve recently realized that i’m a fan of girls with a black eye. Why you may ask? because i love mysteries, and a girl with a black eye is ALWAYS a mystery. A guy with a black eye is never a mystery. If the guy looks like a d-bag, then he got it from a fight he got into while he was drunk. If its a nerdy looking guy, he got it from a d-bag. And if its a gay guy then he got it cuz there was some sort of miss communication at the glory hole. CASE CLOSED! When i see a girl with  black eye though, my mind gets a spinnin! Did she get it in a cat fight? Did her clothes come off? Does she have scratches i can’t see? gawwwwd thats so hot! Or maybe her boyfriend hit her? What did he hit her with? Was it in anger or passion? maybe she likes it rough and she forgot the safe word was “chili con queso” and he hit her a lil too hard with the ball gag. Why would she pick a safe word thats three words long? that seems very unsafe. and why’d she choose one that’s spanish? that was dumb. Now i’m pissed at how dumb she is and I want to hit her! my thoughts usually come full circle. they are like a goddamn christopher nolan movie…

The Great Tumblr Blackout of 2010

Everyone’s had to sit at least once and hear one of those terribly tragic, scrotum-wrinkling stories from your grandparents that begin: “Let me tell you about how I survived the great ____ ____ of the year ______. Most of the time it’s a tornado, or stock market crash, or drought, or something totally shitty that you’re glad you were not a part of because they didn’t have Internet or TV to distract them from their despair.  Well ladies and gentlemen; I’m pretty sure we’ve got our story now. Years from now, when our grandkids come to visit us, we’ll tell them to get off their hover-scooters and jet-propelled bikes, and come in to listen to how we survived the Great Tumblr Blackout of 2010. It’ll probably go something like this:

The year was 2010. We had a black president, most gays weren’t allowed to marry, and Glee was still on the air. It was dark times indeed, but we never could have imagined how much worse it could get.

I had decided to see what great things had been posted on the net that day so I proceeded to open my browser to my usual 3 homepage tabs: Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. After checking my Facebook notifications, retweeting all retweetable twats, I moved onto my Tumblr. To my surprise however all I saw was a sad little message that read, “We will be back shortly.” This was no problem, as I had received this message many times before, only to be back on in mere minutes Tumblring away to my little heart’s desire, but this time it was different…I knew something was wrong. I kept refreshing, and refreshing, and refreshing. Minutes turned to hours, hours turned to days, and days turned to weeks, and still no Tumblr!!!! Ok, it didn’t last weeks, but it felt like it. Anyways, with no Tumblr, I was down to only TWO social networking sites!! (*children gasp*) All I could do was sit powerlessly on Facebook, and dream of the day that I might caress the sweet, sweet pages of Tumblr again with my ever eager eyes. Times got so desperate that I even resorted back to MySpace, only to find that it was still inhabited only by high schoolers, pedophiles, and people who we trapped in the year 2006. It was like a post-apocalyptic, internet wasteland.

Around 2 am, I lost all hope. It was my darkest hour. So many ideas for amazing Tumblr posts were being lost as I didn’t have the ability to save them as drafts, and I wasn’t going to write them on a piece of paper with a pen like some sort of stone-aged faggot! Yes kids, that was the day grandpa decided he was going to quit writing his now hugely popular, model-bitch getting column “People I Hate Monday”. Your grandpa had given up on his dream, and if it wasn’t for an amazing stroke of luck, you all wouldn’t be here.

The next day I awoke and checked my Tumblr purely out of habit to see that it was still down. I lost my morning wood immediately. I couldn’t take this anymore; I was starting to lose it. Black was white, up was down, I didn’t know where I was, all I know was that I didn’t want to live in a Tumblrless world so I made plans to kill myself later that day the only way I knew how: too much sex. I called up every girl I knew and told them there would be a giant orgy at my house in which I would be the only guy and I wanted them to fuck me to death. Of course they were saddened by this because the greatest guy they ever knew would no longer be around, but they were happy that they could be a part of something so epic.

Around 4ish, a mere half hour before my orgy, fate stepped in and told me to check one last time. I decided to give it one last chance. I hit that Ctrl+F5, and to my amazement Tumblr was back up! It was spectacular! My prayers had been answered! Of course since it was only a half hour before the orgy, it was way too late to call that many girls and cancel so we just went through with it and called it a “Welcome Back” orgy for Tumblr. As it turned out, 30 girls weren’t enough to kill me anyway so it would have been a failure as a suicide orgy (after redoing the math I found the correct number would have been around 100).

Shortly thereafter, I wrote my most epic article “People I Hate Monday: The Tumblr Edition” which garnered critical acclaim, won me my first Nobel prize, sky-rocketed me to super-stardom, and allowed me to sleep with the likes of Jessica Alba, Scarlet Johansson, Sofia Vergara, 6 Victoria’s Secret models, and a bunch of Cristiano Renaldo’s ex-girlfriends. Then of course I decided that the attention of the constant spotlight, and multiple needy, super-hot actresses was too much so I settled down with your grandma Eva Longoria. And the rest is history….

 

 

 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how it’s going to be

 

People I Hate Monday! (Eight is Great!)

People with personalized license plates that just say their car make - I swear if I see another personalized license plate that says “MUSTANG”, or “VETTE!!”, or “F-150”, I’m going to put a rock through that persons window and leave a used condom on their steering wheel. Not only are you a D-bag for getting a personalized license plate, but you weren’t even creative enough to put something unique on it!

People who pee on toilet seats - I don’t think this is as much of an epidemic in the female bathroom community as it is in the male one, but either way it’s still annoying. Learn to lift the damn seat. I bet you do it at home. Or better yet, sack-up and piss in the urinal like a real man. I don’t care if it’s one of those horse trough types with a line of lil pink dicks all peeing in unison like some weird pornographic synchronized swimming routine. Step up, get in line and let it rip instead of being a little bitch and peeing in the stall.

Mexicans who say,”It’s not “real” Mexican food because it’s not made by Mexicans.” - Bitch, If it looks like mexican food, smells like mexican food, and ttastes like mexican food, then it’s fuckin mexican food. Just because 99% of the crap they sell at taco bell is invented by white guys and served by pockmark-faced, pubescent white teens doesn’t mean it’s not mexican food. Cuz it’s for damn sure not chinese, italian, american, or any other genre of food i can think of so until you can give me a catagory that it DOES fit into, then it’s mexican food.

Guys with feminine voices that aren’t gay - You are just confusing. The whole  time i’m talking to you all i’m thinking is, “is this dude gay? should i ask? he’ll be pissed if he’s not. If he is though then he’s probably gonna think I was asking because I am and now he’s gonna want my balls since all woman and gay men (and some straight men) do.

People who use the phrase “Sweater weather” - Every time i hear this i die a little on the inside because it’s usually said by people who are saying more words than they need to to try and be cute. just say “it’s cold.” so much simpler, and faster.  Also it ends my conversation with much sooner, which is a good thing because if you’re the type of person who uses phrases like “sweater weather”, then i am probably debating throwing saw dust in your eyes the entire time you’r talking to me.

Special: People I Hate Thursday! (The Thanksgiving Edition)

So you may have notice I skipped Monday this week, but it’s cuz i was saving up for this special Thanksgiving Day post. Calm down dickwads, daddy’s got it all under control.

Canned Food Drives - I may not be homeless, nor have I ever been, but I’m pretty sure that even if i had to choose between eating the rotting, semen-filled, cat’s butthole that all of the other bums use for sexual pleasure, and someone’s 20 year-old can of creamed corn that they found at the back of their pantry when their shitty lil kid told them they needed to bring a canned item for a food drive, I’d still choose the butthole. I’m not saying all canned food sucks, I’m just saying the canned food that people give to food drives sucks. No one ever gives Chunky Campbell’s soup or Bush’s baked beans, it’s always beanie weenies, or dicks n balls in cheez sauce (that last one’s prolly made up, but you get the point)

People who call Thanksgiving “Turkey Day” - Seriously?! Your not cute! Your just dumb! What if we did this with every holiday? Christmas: Happy “Presents, fat guy in a red suit breaking and entering, and grandpa passing out drunk under the tree” Day? or Halloween: Happy ” Every child molester’s wet dream” Day? or even New Year’s Day: Happy “Only day that its socially acceptable to be so drunk that you piss on yourself, sleep with a stranger, punch a friend in the face, set a baby on fire, and just cause all types of mayhem and chaos for no good reason” Day. Sounds retarded right? That’s how you sound  to me and everyone else when you say Turkey Day. Don’t even get me started on Gobble Gobble Day people. You have a special place in hell reserved for all of you.

Pilgrims - You guys were some serious dicks! All these savages are gonna be chill and throw you a welcoming party, and then you go and piss in their faces and steal their land? That’d be like if someone threw me a b-day party and I showed up and said, “Wow! Thanks for throwing me a party, random person I don’t know! You’re so hospitable! And I love your house….but now it’s mine. You got a problem with that, I’ll kill you and rape your wife. I’m gonna be nice tho and let you live in the shittiest corner of your backyard. Also are there any diseases you haven’t had vaccinations for? Smallpox? Cool, Imma give you that shit too.”

Indians - Ya’ll were a bunch of pussies. Cookin food for the dudes who dickslapped you off of your own land? Bitch move red skins, bitch move….

Cranberry Sauce - Congealed period blood (try and eat it now)

People who say they like Sweet Potato Pie and not Pumpkin Pie, or vice versa - This is like saying Dr. Pepper is better than Mr. Pibb. It’s the same goddamn thing. If you think Dr. Pepper is better, then it’s strictly because you are an elitist and you like it since it has “Dr.” in the name. What do you think? He went to soda medical school? Fat chance bitches.

Could really SNAP into one of these lil buddies right about now…

Could really SNAP into one of these lil buddies right about now…

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