The Greatest Thing You've EVER Read

Most everything I say is tongue-in-cheek, or sarcastic. So if your offended...well, then that kinda sucks. You need to loosen up

People I Hate Monday! (VI)

People who like pages on facebook like “Sleeping in”, “Eating”, or “Watching TV” -  So does everyone else. You just confirmed your lack of a life to everyone.

The person who made up the phrase “I before E, except after C, or when sounded as “A” in neighbor and weigh.” - What about in science? Or weird? Or species? Or protein? Or caffeine? You lazy mother fucker! Do you know how many spelling tests you fucked me on! If your gonna make a rule, state every exception explicitly. Your job is to make up mnemonic devices! How hard is that? I’ll make one right now to remember how dumb you are. The man who made up “I before E”, should be tarred, feather, raped, shot, and tied to a tree. I didn’t time it but I’m gonna ball-park that at around 30 seconds. Fuck you

Girls who don’t want to hook up with me - This is mostly just me being bitter….but seriously! Think about that one (or 2, or 3, or 4) guys that you regret hooking up with. Now think about me. Now think about him. Now back to me. I’m way better than he is, and you know it! So stop being a beezy.

People who wear sunglasses inside - Remember back in the day when only people who were blind wore glasses inside (probably since they thought they were still outside because how would they know their cold, dead stare freaked people out)?  Yeah, at one point, wearing glasses in doors meant you had a disability, you were like half-person, half-mole being. That’s not cool at all. So basically by wearing sunglasses in doors your mocking blind people, you dick! What next, are you gonna start rolling around in a wheelchair and when you see other people in wheelchair, go over to them, stand up, and say “Just kidding! I can walk! I just like to sit in a wheelchair cuz Stephen Hawking is my idol!” I hope you get Helen Keller Disease (Scarlet Fever?) and really need those sunglasses!

That dick hole that invented Four Loko - Seriously! Did some guy just wake up one morning and say, “You know what? I love alcohol….and I also love pure sugar, but every time I pour the sugar straight into the alcohol I have a heart attack. If only there as a drink that allowed me to be both hyperglycemic AND drunk without sending me into a diabetic coma. I GOT IT! I’ll mix cheap alcohol with pixie stix, redbull, some carcinogenic food coloring, a capri sun pouch, and then have a homeless guy jerk off into it! Then, just to be a super dick, I’ll misspell loco. What a giant middle finger to Hispanic culture THAT will be!” Also Four Loko is marketed as a  “$2 blackout in a can”. REALLY?! You really got away with using that! Why didn’t you just say, “Four Loko: It’s just as effective as roofies, but half the price!” Your welcome date rapists!

Guys who have a tattoo across their chest from shoulder to shoulder - How can you NOT want to punch this dickwad in the face?!dickwad

Clearly you are that special type of d-bag who not only wants people to know that you’re not worth the air you are breathing while your wearing your Affliction Tee and bedazzled jeans, but you want your d-baggery to shine through when you take your shirt off as well! Because with a sweet chest tat like this, how could you NOT keep your shirt on at the club? I swear if I get a chance imma remove that shit with battery acid and steel wool. Watch your back bitch….

Things You Shouldn’t Say When Meeting The Parents

Hello Mr. Smith. And an EXTRA special hello to you Mrs. Smith. *wink and licks lips*

So you know how you can tell what a girls gonna look ike in 30 years by lookin at her mom…yeaaaahhh, I don’t think this is gonna work.

So you guys don’t have any blacks or Mexicans in your family right?

You know what commercials I love? Those ones with E-Trade ones with the little talking babies…GOD they turn me on!!!!

So your daughter and I tend to do a lot of stuff with cherries and cream in the bedroom, and I heard you made cherry pie for dessert. So if I get an erection while I’m eating, don’t worry, it’s not anything weird.

Do you have any fun baby pictures of your daughter…you know, with like her clothes off and stuff?

If you’ll excuse me, I need to use he rest room. Do you guys happen to have a mirror and a razor?

Do you guys have dogs? No, I’m not allergic, I just like looking at their little red dicks.

Yeah my meth man is really tight, I could get him to hook you guys up good.

That smell? Oh it’s just my diaper, annnnnnd I did forget to bring an extra sooo….

What’s your policy on mother-daughter threesomes?

Check out these wicked scratches your daughter left on my back! Mommy likes it ROUGH! rawr!

I like to live my life by one motto: “If it moves, I’ll fuck it” This guy know what I’m talking about! (Point to dad)

Do you guys like funny internet videos? Check out “Two girls, One cup” You’ll never look at soft serve the same again!

I knew as soon as I saw your daughter, I knew that she was the one. I’d never seen a girl work the pole like that before.

We met on craigslist. Thank you “casual encounters” section.

It’s funny how much of an angel you think your daughter is. If you had ANY idea….

Is this gonna take long, I’ve got shit to do tonight.

I was surprised when she asked me to meet you guys cuz I just thought we were fuck buddies

Things You Don’t Wanna Hear Before You Hit It

So I kinda have this condition, have you seen the movie “Teeth”….

I’m so excited to do this for my first time…as a woman

So I AM a hermaphrodite, but it’s small, so just imagine I have a large clotoris

I’m really into “poop” play

My friends all call me the praying mantis, cuz I’m gonna eat you when we’re done

I’m like 6 months pregnant, so don’t go tooooooo deep.

Alright everyone GET HIM! (Closet opens)

My giant husband should be home in a minute so make it fast

I’ve been told I have retard strength, so if I pull it off, sorry

Hang on, I gotta lube it up with peanut butter first. Chunky… (This one is just stupid but makes me laugh haha)

As a warning, there might be a lot of blood, but it’s cool cuz i’m not on my period.

After about 30 secs I’m gonna stop you and then just finish myself off.

Do it like my daddy!

OMG are you trying to have sex with me? I thought you were gay!!!!!

Please put your large penis into my little vagina. I want to reproduce with you so hard. I’m so in heat right now. Let’s do it canine position.

You know how some girls are “screamers”? Well I’m kinda what you’d call a “pooper”.

Hold on, let me check my facebook. I need to see if people commented on my status while I was out.

I’m super fertile.

Can you wear 3 condoms please?

I know I just met you, but I think I love you.

This is my first time since the AIDS scare. The doctor said I don’t have it. I only have something called HIV

mystaken asked: are you gonna list the "things you don't wanna hear before you hit it" list?

yeah im workin on that and the things i ask myself everyday as we speak!

Conversations That Are First Date Killers

"…, and that’s about the time my uncle told me to take my pants off."

"You would be surprised how safe glory holes are nowadays!"

"How long do you think a person can go without eating, cuz I haven’t fed my kids in weeks."

"So the first time I got the clap,…"

"Most people would die from a mixture of heroine, meth, and crack, but apparently I’ve built up such a tolerance I barely even got a buzz."

"The other day I was bored and had a full Four Loko in the fridge and I thought, "I wonder if a baby could drink a whole Four Loko?" Long story short, they can, but then they throw up A LOT."

"Would you say you had a high or low tolerance to roofies? Low? What’s that over there!….nevermind, it’s nothing. You look thirsty…"

"I know your not a doctor, but do you think you would know what anal warts were if you saw some?"

"Yeah, I totally shot my ex in the face and killed her cuz I didn’t like the tone she was telling me to take the trash out in, I got off scott free though, because I just said it was in self-defense! hahahaha!"

"I’m really glad your sister set us up  on this date, I’m having a lot of fun. Do you think she’d ever be cool with havin a threesome?"

"What’s your view on anal? Cuz if your against it, you should probably pay for your own meal"

"Ever since I was little I’ve had this huge fascination with murder."

"Have you ever seen a sunken testicle? Look under the table…’

"Shit! There’s my ex! She’s so damn hot! Quick, act like your giving me a hand job under the table to make her jealous!"

"I don’t really have many hobbies, but I’d have to say I do have a pretty sweet penis collection in my den."

"My favorite movie? I’d have  to say it’s a tie between Baby Geniuses, and Big Mommas House 2"

"In accordace with Megan’s Law, I am required to inform you…"

"You are so HOT, I just can’t stop looking at you! Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like my mom?"

"First dates are just sooooo awkward right? I mean especially since the whole time we are both just thinking about how we want to fuck each other’s brains out"

"In jail, it’s either rape or get raped, and I wasn’t gonna have anything shoved up my ole dirt button!"

"Yeah, I experimented a bit in college…with satanism"

"I bet I can guess your birthday just by staring at your nipples. Pop  those suckers on the table and I’ll give it a go."

"I work as a kindergarten teacher, but it doesn’t pay well so I donate blood a lot…and sperm…and blow jobs behind the 7-11 on Thursdays at ten. Tell your friends. I do two for one happy hour specials too."

"I swear they keep making these damn popcorn tub bottoms harder and harder to poke a hole into. Do you have a knife?"

"I’ve gotta go to the bathroom real quick. I’ve gotta check if I wiped good enough last time because my butt hole is just so itchy right now."

"Do you have AIDS? No? You lucked out then because for once I actually brought condoms!"

"Yeah, they can pass all the laws they want, but a woman will never really be equal to a man."

"Oh, hang on that’s my cell phone. It’s my wife, I’ve gotta take this…"

kinda the greatest thing ive ever made

kinda the greatest thing ive ever made

It’s weird cuz this is pretty much how I spend my day too…except I make awesome blog articles instead of beats

It’s weird cuz this is pretty much how I spend my day too…except I make awesome blog articles instead of beats

mystaken asked: i don't dislike anywhere girls.. they serve their purpose.

its physics. for every nowhere girl there must be an equal and opposite anywhere girl. if there wasnt then the universe would engulf itself in a fiery black hole